By Liz D.
Quiet and alone, I feared the outside world and struggled to find myself. “I am not smart, I am a failure, I am not good enough, I don’t matter, I am nothing,” repeating these words in my head, I didn’t see a bright future for myself. To say I am graduating from CSUN at 33, would be nothing short of an A-miracle. The odds were stacked against me, as I felt lost and worthless.
Growing up, I’d always keep to myself and didn’t have the best family dynamic. My biological parents gave me up for adoption as a baby. Since childhood, I struggled to feel accepted for who I was and felt abandoned and alone. This would impact my self-esteem and make me question my self-worth and the choices I made, as I continue to overcome my childhood traumas, today.
My adopted mom did her best, but I never felt supported by her. She’d make me feel discouraged and put me down. Throughout high school, I’d be left to figure out my homework on my own, as my adopted mom wasn’t very involved with my education. When I’d come home with fails, she’d call me stupid and say I wasn’t smart enough to be successful at anything. I didn’t have the confidence to believe in myself as a teenager and was too afraid to speak up for myself. When she would verbally attack me with her harsh words, I’d stay quiet out of fear of her raising her voice at me, which would escalate the situation into more aggressive attacks. So, instead of engaging in her passive-aggressive abuse, I’d always hide in my room or play basketball in the backyard as an escape from the abuse.
It wasn’t until I started working at Vons, after high school, that I slowly started to get out of my shell and make something of myself. I started working at Vons at 22 and enrolled at Pierce College at the same time. This was my first experience in the outside world, as I was sheltered growing up. I was nervous and scared, but I wanted to get out of my own head and become more independent for myself. And, honestly, I was desperate to get out of the trapped house that I was living in. I wasn’t allowed to do anything outside of the house, except go to school and back home. No extracurricular activities or fun outings for me. I was left alone from the outside world, and experiencing freedom for the first time on my own was exciting and caused me anxiety.
I have always loved animals, so I thought becoming a vet tech would be a fun career for me. I started to take vet tech classes at Pierce but soon found myself struggling to pass the classes. I started to doubt myself and if I was even capable of going to college. Having my adoptive mom questions my choices and put me down only made me dive deeper into my depression and self-doubt, as I started to question myself and my abilities. So, I dropped out of Pierce after giving up and failing most of my classes.
It wasn’t until I moved out of my adoptive mom’s house and into my friend Sheree’s house that I started to feel more supported. I was 23 when my adopted mom kicked me out of the house for her own reasons, which caused me to distance myself from her. Sheree took me under her wings and helped me ease into adulthood. She taught me how to drive, went with me to buy my first car, and taught me the value of money and the responsibility of paying my own bills, it was everything that my adopted mom never taught me. Sheree helped me become more confident and independent. Because I was just spreading my wings, I took some time off from school and just focused on working to get myself acclimated to my newfound freedom and responsibilities.
Once I got myself settled into my new environment and saved a bit of money, I looked into a 6-month trade school. I enjoyed cooking and decided to go into the culinary arts. So, I enrolled at ACE(Academy of Culinary Education) in 2015. I loved the classes, learned a lot of recipes, and graduated from the program with a baking certificate. It was tough finding a job in this field, and I wasn’t as passionate about it. So, baking is more of a hobby now.
It wasn’t until I started writing poems that I found my true passion and talent. I injured my foot in January 2015 and found myself back at my adopted mom’s house. Sheree was busy working, so I needed a temporary place to stay where someone could help me, while I recover. One day, during my long recovery period, I was just sitting alone with my thoughts, as I let my mind flow free. Bored and feeling a bit alone, he, the one who has my heart, pops into my head.
His smile was bright, as I imagined us conversing in my head. He was polite and gentle, as our conversation flowed passionately. His presence brought a piece of calmness to my soul, as I escaped the reality of my current situation. I began to write down everything I’d say to him, as the words just rushed out of my heart and onto the page. Within minutes I had written my first poem. I felt a sense of accomplishment, as I found a hidden talent within myself.
My love is my inspiration, my strength, my heart, and my soul. After showing my friends my poems, I published my first poetry book, A Fragile Heart. I gained the confidence to continue my writing and found the journalism field.
I went back to Pierce in the Spring of 2016. I started to take my first journalism classes and fell in love with the program. I had to slowly catch myself up, to make up for my first go-around at Pierce, but I had a goal plan now. I was motivated and excited to pursue my journalism and writing career.
Going back to school wasn’t easy, as I still struggled with my depression and anxiety. I was continuing to build a relationship with my biological family, repair my relationship with my adopted mom, and deal with the pressure of getting better grades, working, and being strong for myself. I still stumbled through my classes. It was an up-and-down roller coaster.
Through the discovery of meditation and self-awareness, I started to gain the knowledge and power to put myself first and mustered up the courage to get myself out of the toxic environments that I was around. Learning more about myself through watching other spiritual influencers on youtube, I began to realize that everything comes from within us and we have the power to change our circumstances for the better.
During the pandemic, in the summer of 2020, I made the tough decision to move down to Orange County, where my biological family lived. I still wanted my independence, so I found a room to rent. I transferred stores and everything aligned for me. It was the step I needed to take to get myself out of the toxic cycles that I have been in.
After graduating from Pierce, in Spring 2020 and starting my CSUN classes that Fall, I had a newfound confidence and set new goals for myself. Moving to Orange County had its own challenges, but over these past two years, I have grown more than I could have ever imagined.
Meeting my best friend Hannah has become a blessing as well. She encouraged me to get promoted to supervisor at work and continues to support and encourage me. We are helping each other better ourselves, as a team.
“I am truly independent, I am strong, I am smart, I am enough, I am a leader, I am everything and more!”
No matter how tough things got for me, how depressed, anxious, and scared I was, I never gave up! Somehow, someway, I kept strong from within myself and didn’t fall into a self-sabotaging state of depression.
Through self-awareness, self-love, and the unconditional love and support of those special people in my life, I made it through the darkness and into the light, as I am right where I’m supposed to be in my life.
Success is failing and overcoming your challenges. Success is finding the strength within yourself to keep moving forward, even when it gets dark. Success is rising above the flames to create something beautiful for yourself. Success is only measured by your own personal achievements and finding a true purpose to help inspire others through our experiences and challenges.
I am graduating with a Bachelor’s degree in Journalism and a minor in Anthropology. My goal is to bring awareness to important issues and help inspire others through my writing, knowledge, and experiences in life.
To say I am Graduating from CSUN at 33 is A-miracle, it is my A-miracle!
